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A curious visitor asked, "What is the most valuable
book in your library?" The Zen Librarian answered,
"The urine-stained copy of Jonathan Livingston
Seagull which is on its way to the Dumpster."
One morning, just as the library opened, the Zen Librarian
sat on the photocopier and ate a burrito.
A student asked the Zen Librarian for help finding books and
articles about the tobacco lobby. The Zen Librarian
scribbled a picture of a horn on a Post-It and slapped it
onto the student's forehead.
A patron called the reference desk. "How many ibuprofen
tablets do I have in my medicine cabinet?" she asked.
The Zen Librarian was humbled and thanked her for her
teaching.
As he walked into the building, the Zen Librarian noticed
three skateboarders doing stunts on the library stairs and
handrail. "They ought to be catalogers," the Zen
Librarian said to himself.
A young patron approached the Zen Librarian and asked,
"What is the formula for the volume of a
cylinder?" The Zen Librarian answered, "Please get
me a cup of coffee."
One afternoon, a novice librarian asked the Zen Librarian
for advice about preparing a budget. "Have you eaten
lunch?" asked the Zen Librarian. "Yes, I
have," answered the novice. "Have you washed
your dishes?" asked the Zen Librarian this time. The
novice was enlightened.
The Zen Librarian used a Palm stylus to mark the reference
desk statistics sheet.
The Zen Librarian had a habit of pointing a finger at the
shelves when directing a patron to a book. One day, a boy
walked around the library, mockingly pointing a finger this
way and that. Upon seeing this insolent behavior, the Zen
Librarian retrieved the PDR from the reference shelves and
slammed it shut on the boy's finger. The boy immediately
found enlightenment.
The Zen Librarian meditated for ten years on this question:
What is the plot of a self-help book which has no pages or
words?
A patron asked the Zen Librarian to look on MapQuest to see whether a pick-your-own apple orchard was north or south of the interstate. The Zen Librarian answered, "Although people make distinctions between north and south, in buddha-nature and on the Web south and north do not exist."
A circulation clerk told the Zen Librarian that a patron needed assistance.
The Zen Librarian scolded the clerk, saying, "How dare you refer to a
client as a patron!"
The next day, the same person entered the library, and the clerk told the Zen
Librarian that a client needed assistance. This time, the Zen Librarian
rebuked the clerk, "How dare you refer to a patron as a client!"
The Zen Librarian said, "Reference service is like a man hanging from a
rope by his teeth over a cliff, with his hands bound to his sides and feet
resting on no ledge, and another person asks him for books about Enrico Fermi
for a child's school assignment."
A patron asked the Zen Librarian, "Without speech, without silence, will
you please tell me where I can find books about keeping turtles as pets?"
The Zen Librarian continued to scan the reviews in the latest
LJ
.
The Zen Librarian asked, "The Web is world-wide, so why do you clap your
hands?"
A high-school student asked the Zen Librarian for the Cliffs Notes to
The Scarlet Letter
. The Zen Librarian opened a drawer full of eggs and said, "This is where
your research begins."
As a woman checked out some books on her library card, the Zen Librarian asked,
"Why doesn't she have a library card?"
While downloading some MARC records, the Zen Librarian remarked, "It is.
It is not."
While leading a book discussion, the Zen Librarian commented that one of the
characters felt trapped as a stereotype in the novel.
"You can't say that," a member of the group said. "You can't see
into the character's mind."
"And you are able to see into my mind to know what I can and cannot
see?" replied the Zen Librarian.
The Zen Librarian appeared to be ill. The department head said, "How are you
feeling? You don't look well; maybe you should go home." The Zen
Librarian answered, "Reading audiobooks."
When asked, "What is a library?" the Zen Librarian replied, "A
shitty toilet brush."
The Zen Librarian noted, "How the library is like a walnut tree!"
Two patrons greeted the Zen Librarian. The first asked, "Where are your
videos?" The Zen Librarian answered, "Your request does not have the
Buddha nature." The second patron asked, "Where are your
videos?" The Zen Librarian answered, "Your request has the Buddha
nature," and directed the patron to the A-V room.
A child approached the Zen Librarian. "I need a book about Egyptian
mummies," the child said. The Zen Librarian replied, "My dog also
has no teeth."
One morning, the Zen Librarian walked through the reading room and toppled all
the chairs backward onto the floor.
A patron approached the Zen Librarian and asked to reserve the latest Danielle
Steel book. The Zen Librarian offered the patron a bowl filled with sand, and
the patron walked away, confused. "That patron has just taken the first
step on a circular path," the Zen Librarian commented.
A woman asked the Zen Librarian where to find a book with a certain call
number. The Zen Librarian directed her to a shelf where she should look. She
returned to the Zen Librarian and said, "There is nothing on that shelf
but a pile of stones. Where may I find that book?" The Zen Librarian told
her to look on the same shelf as before.
The woman went to the shelf again, and she returned with a large stone, which
she dropped on the Zen Librarian's foot. He bowed and retrieved the book for
her.
When the book was returned after being checked out, it was a week overdue. The
Zen Librarian picked up a stone, dropped it on his foot, and handed the book to
a clerk.
"What is knowledge?" the student intern asked the Zen Librarian.
"The photographs which are not in the
Wall Street Journal
," answered the Zen Librarian.
While seeking a book in the stacks, the Zen Librarian discovered a turd on one
shelf. "This should be in the vertical file," the Zen Librarian
remarked.
A patron asked the Zen Librarian if the library had any books with maps of
stars and constellations. The Zen Librarian picked up
Webster's Third
, hit the patron in the head with it, and said: "You have your answer.
Now you need to find your true question."
As a student in library school, the future Zen Librarian witnessed an argument
between a professor and another student. The other student said that Internet
access in public libraries should be filtered, and the professor said that
unrestricted access should be provided. "The mind needs to be
filtered," the future Zen Librarian said to the other student. "The
mind needs to be unrestricted," the future Zen Librarian said to the
professor. The professor and student were both amazed.
The Zen Librarian answered a reference call on the telephone. "When was
Herbert Hoover born?" the patron asked. The Zen Librarian looked up the
answer in
Facts About the Presidents
and replied, "A bowl of soup."
When asked how one finds the true path to the photocopier, the Zen Librarian
replied, "A copy of
The Bridges of Madison County
is overdue."
The Zen Librarian searched for nothing on AltaVista and received 27,987,384
hits.
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