Story 2: Lefty Whacks the Fat King

(Adapted from The Bible, Judges 3:12-26.)

A long time ago, this guy Eglon was king of a country called Moab. Eglon was a very, very, very fat man.

Right about then, God thought the people of Israel were doing some real evil shit, so he let Eglon get a big army together and take over Israel. After 18 years of being under Moab's rule, the Israelites cried out to God, who decided it was time for a left-handed guy named Ehud to get Israel out from under Eglon's thumb.

The plan was for Ehud to deliver some bling to the king. Ehud had some other men carrying the goods, but Ehud was carrying, too. That is, he had a double-edged sword -- more than a foot long -- strapped to his right leg under his clothes. After the tribute was paid to the king, Ehud walked his guys out of the palace and sent them home, and then he turned back and told Eglon, "Hey, King, I have a secret message for you."

Eglon told everyone else to leave, and Ehud followed him into an upstairs room. Ehud said, "I have a message from God for you." As Eglon got up to hear his secret message from God, Ehud grabbed the sword from his leg and stabbed it deep into Eglon's gut. The king was so fat that the blade and the handle got completely swallowed up in his body. Ehud didn't even think about trying to get the sword back, especially since there literally was shit gushing out of the wound. Ehud just left, locking the doors behind him.

When the king's servants came back, they found the doors locked, so they figured the king was busy taking a shit. The servants waited, and they waited, until they had waited an uncomfortably long time. Finally, they unlocked the doors and found their king dead.

Meanwhile, Ehud made a clean getaway.  

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